Butterflies

So I have this thing for butterflies, especially monarchs. That's what I tell everyone, at least. If they are even merely mentioned in conversation, you're more than likely to hear those words come out of my life. I say its specifically a "thing" because its not an obsession or a love or anything. It has nothing to do with how they are biologically or mythologically or their symbolism. I just have a thing for them, and it starts with September 2001. No, it wasn't 9/11 that spurred this "thing," but it was 9/9, the day my grandmother died.

After diagnosed with terminal cancer, my grandparents came from Delaware to live with my family in Richmond so Nana could get better treatment. I was never too close with them. Sure, I saw them at Christmas and Thanksgiving. We also used to take a little trip up to Delaware during the summer, but in eighth grade, I didn't quite grasp what death would mean not only to me, but to my entire family. After the summer of 2001 and growing the closest I had ever been in my life to my grandmother, she died. I guess at that time I had been so focused on the actual death that I didn't know the mourning process would last much longer than the cancer did. And it was my mom who I saw it in the most.

At an age where I didn't have my own car and I hung out with my parents just as much as my friends, I saw first hand how miserable she was. I didn't understand it. I was watching the woman I've looked up to my entire life crumble before my eyes. And that's when I realized that that's exactly how she felt about her own mother. Except the crumbling never stopped. I grew very close with my mother during that time.

I'll bet you're wondering where the butterflies come in. Well, you see, my mom has had this theory since Nana died that she reincarnated as some sort of butterfly. Well, maybe reincarnating isn't the right word, but when my mother would be overcome with grief, a monarch would fly by. After seeing these insects many times during her mourning period, she came up with this theory that Nana was trying to comfort her and show that her body is decaying, but her soul lives on. Since then, everyone in my family has had many of these incidents. Usually on birthdays, anniversaries, and other special events, there will be a sighting. In fact, driving home from Delaware this past weekend, I saw a lone bumper sticker on a car. It was an enormous monarch butterfly.

Throughout these years, it has become a kind of hobby for my family (especially my aunt and mom) to collect butterfly trinkets. So I guess it's not a surprise that my one and only tattoo is over a modest monarch butterfly. It's not a dedication to the life of my grandmother (she's probably pissed that I got a tattoo anyway), but to the family that lived on without its matriarch. Maybe it's not a thing for butterflies. Maybe I just have a thing for my family.